I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
