he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
