I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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