the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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