Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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