..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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