you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
