Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
