from now on my penis is your penis
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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