"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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