Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
