what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize