That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
