I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
