Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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