so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
