Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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