This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
