I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
