My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
