i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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