Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize