i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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