When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
