he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
