This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize