i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
