i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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