He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I believe in your delicious
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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