guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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