So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
