I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
