just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
