"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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