She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
