If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We have started to decorate penises.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
