woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
