I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
