Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All I want is dick and wine.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
