We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
tell me about the fingering
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
