PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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