genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
