Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
