Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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