I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
