Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
