His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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