I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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