I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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