You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
