I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Where is the hickey?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
