im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Text me some of your sweat
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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