it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
