sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my shit smells like andre
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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