Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
