Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
