I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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