I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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