Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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