Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
