I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i drank out of a bidet.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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